a perfect realization

Lately I've been struggling with my self image. I want to be thin and beautiful. I was told the other the day that I had a big, strong voice and that if I lost the majority of my weight, I could be a star. I thought about weight loss surgery. I've tried dieting before, and I can't seem to be able stick to it.

But something occured to me tonight. Me thinking that I'm fat and ugly is a total slap in God's face. He created me and I'm telling Him that His creation is ugly. I realized tonight that I've let my self image and all the stresses of life become my gods, and I've been putting the One True God on the back burner.

My goal is not to love myself or even to make myself loveable in my eyes. My eyes don't matter. I am loved unconditionally already. My desire is to give everything to God. All the stresses of school, and job-hunting, and losing weight are not my stresses anymore.

My theory

I was told today by a classmate that there is no God and that I'm a fool for believing in something that doesn't exist. He posed the question, "What if I lived my life believing that there was a diamond the size of a refrigerator in my back yard, and that someday, when things change drasitcally, I could go outside and dig it up and be rich? There's no physical evidence of there being a refrigerator-sized diamond in my back yard, but I have faith that there is. Wouldn't you think I was crazy?" He told me that what I believe is the same thing. I didn't know what to say to him, except that I would be praying for him--and not just that he would realize the power and love of God, but that he would not judge those who already do.

This guy really tore me up inside. He had a point. But the first commandment kept popping through my head: "Thou shall have no other gods before me." Here's what I figure: everybody in this earth has a god. Whether it's money or love, or (in this guys' case) facts, every one in the world worships at least one. Webster's definition of god is "a person or thing of supreme value," and the definition of worship: "extravagant respect or admiration for or devotion to an object of esteem." Your god may be your job, or your children, or your spouse, or your school, or your computer, or your money--any "supreme thing" that you "extravagantly admire" is a god.

My God just happens to be God of gods. And boy am I thankful for that!!!

I 'tuck!!!

I so desperately need a job it's not even a little amusing. I'd like to stop mooching off of mom and dad for gas money and more importantly, I'd like them to stop nagging me to make my own money. I know how badly I need a job, and I'm trying to find one.

But God is in control of this one. He knows how badly I need money and He knows I'm desperate. He knows what I need. He knows the stupid spacebar on my laptop isn't working. He knows I can barely afford gas for my poor little car. He knows I need to pay for summer school. He knows I crave independence from my parents. He knows I love Mexican food! He knows the job He wants me to have, and frankly, I don't want to settle for anything less than what He wants.

So, God, I need some neon lights down here!!! Tell me where I'm supposed to be--and you might want to draw a colored diagram and map and maybe even a detailed description!

This is me

I have a facebook and a Myspace, which are wonderful for networking and chattingwith friends and sharing music and pictures. But this blog is for me: a personal journal to broadcast to the world my thoughts and attitudes (and if you're really lucky, maybe even a little poetry). So for those of you who plan to TRY to follow this blog, here's a little bit more about me.

I love God with all of my heart and sould and mind. I want nothing more in this world than to make Him happy. I get extrememly impatient with Him because instant gratification is etched into every fiber of my being. And that makes it hard for me to obey Him sometimes. But, thank you, Lord, He's always there to snap me back into shape and to forgive me for the silly things I do. He's blessed me so much in life.

I love my family. Without them, I'd have nothing. Pete and Ryan are growing up so fast. It scares me a little bit to watch them develop and grow and get stronger... and taller. I'll always see them as the same little gullible twirps who believe anything I tell them. I can convince Ryan that going into the grocery store for me is the "right" thing to do because I'm trying to help mom and since Ryan is helping me, he is therefore helping mom and then he feels all good inside because his going into Walmart to get me a Mountain Dew is helpful to his mother.... somehow. :) Me and my brothers are crazy...as long as we're all getting along. Tempers flare sometimes, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

My momma and daddy are the best parents in the entire wolrd. They're so wonderful to us. I realize the sacrifices they make for us, and I'm so grateful for them. I know I make them angry sometimes, but I wouldn't trade them in for anything! Sometimes, I love getting on their nerves. Since I'm in college, I don't get to see them as often, so when I do see them, I try my best to annoy the mess out of them. When mom's reading in bed, I'll lie down next to and read her book for her or try to say random things to make her have to reread whatever she's read. It's so much and she gets so aggravated with me. But she loves it, I'm sure--somewhere deep down inside. My daddy is my hero in a different way. He's fought overseas and made me so proud of him. He works where I go to school and I love visiting him when I'm out of class. I love them both.

My family is so supportive of me. I want to grow up to be a strong, independent woman (like my mother) who doesn't have to work an office job for money. I want to be on stage, but I don't want to starve. The truth is, I don't really know who I want to be or what I want to do specifically. I want to sing, write, draw, act, make people laugh, and make a difference.

I love the arts. I love to be on stage. I just closed a show called "Musical Comedy Murders of 1940" and it was amazing. It was so much fun! I loved every minute of it (until I ran out of money). Rehearsals, are the best because you can mess up all you want to. You spend months working to develop a character based solely on what they say and you have ONE chance to make it believable for your audience. It's such an amazing experience.

I'm really tired now, so I'll just give a rundown of some of my favorite things: Michael Buble and Frank Sinatra, and Elvis are the loves of my life. I love my friends almost as much as I love Michael Buble (trust me, that's a big deal). I love hot showers and sweet smelling lotions. playing in the rain is the best fun a college kid can have. I love cake... A LOT. And I enjoy baking and decorating cakes. I love to live, learn, and I especially love to laugh.